The Winter of My Discontent

Total number of times people have assumed I'm gay since starting to write here: 8 and counting...

Name:
Location: Everett, Washington, United States

I am a dedicated futurist and a strong supporter of the transhumanist movement. For those who know what it means, I am usually described as a "Lawful Evil" with strong tendencies toward "Lawful Neutral." Any apparent tendencies toward the 'good' side of the spectrum can be explained by the phrase: "A rising tide lifts all boats."

Saturday, May 12, 2007

We few... we happy few.

And so it ends.

I’ve never been good at saying goodbye. Maybe it is because I can’t bring myself to think of leaving the things and people that I love. Maybe I’m just suffering from the ‘ostrich with its head in the sand’ problem. All I know is that I dread doing the kinds of things that I’m about to do today. Today, I graduate from law school with my Juris Doctorate. Today, I become the most educated member of my family, ever. Today, I am a man.

In a very real way to me, today feels like I’m speeding toward a yawning black chasm, and there is no way to slow myself down. It feels like I’m about to die. In some sense, that feeling isn’t too far off of the mark.

In a few hours, I will be done with this chapter of my life. I will leave behind me my family, my home, and my favorite places. I will leave behind me friends - both those who reciprocate my friendship and those who never saw the power to accept my apologies (or even inform me of my transgressions). Rather than a sense of exultation, I am filled with a sense of confused regret and lamentation at things left undone and things I wish I had not done.

I have spent much of my day attempting to marshal my courage to walk blindly over that cliff. I have accepted the praise of my family. I have spent time in quiet contemplation. I have even resorted to reading aloud the famous "St. Crispian's Day" speech from Henry V (a passage to bolster the will, if ever one was written).

Despite these efforts, I still feel dread. In many ways, I feel yearnings to do the kinds of things that a person would want to do if they were told that they were about to die. I desire to fill my few remaining minutes with what few breaths of life I can snatch from the cold claws of death before plunging into the unknown. I need to feel the sweet sensation of life coursing through my veins. I need to do something crazy and wild - if for no other reason than to remind myself that I am still alive.

I have $6000 to my name and a few days before the moving van arrives to take me out of this life and into another. Any ideas on what I should do?

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lorax said nothing - just gave me a glance. Just gave me a very sad, sad backward glance as he lifted himself by the seat of his pants. And I´ll never forget the grim look on his face as he heisted himself and took leave of this place through a hole in the smog without leaving a trace.

And all that the Lorax left here in this mess was a small pile of rocks, with one word, "unless." Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn´t guess.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My suggestion would be asking your friends, one last time, to make clear what transgression you committed that offended them so. Remember to listen, not defend your actions.

2:57 PM  

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