Hello. My name is...

There are times when I wish I could just be anonymous - times, like right now, where I just wish that I could go to sleep and live in my dreams without having to face the pains of the world around me. In four days, it will have been an entire month of silence. I’ve tried to be a good person, and in the times when I’ve failed at that, I’ve tried to apologize and sincerely mean it when I said it. I’ve tried to be compassionate when I was able, and utter – at least once – a meaningful statement about how much each of my friends mean to me.

I know that I apparently did something wrong recently. I’m vaguely aware of what that something was, but still don’t quite grasp where I went wrong. I just wish that I could get someone to say something to me, because the stony silence is slowly destroying a part of my life that I only recently recaptured and onto which I desperately want to hold. Maybe people think it is too late for that. Maybe they are right. I’ve already been deleted from the list of friends on two blog link lists of people I counted as kindred spirits. I’m not sure if that indicates that I’ve been deleted as a friend, but at least in my current state of mind, it sure feels like it.

(Sigh)

Somehow, without meaning to, and honestly without quite understanding what went wrong, I’ve lost something that was special to me. I said that I was sorry. I said it and meant it. I wish I knew what else I could do to make things right, but I don’t know. I tried to make it open season for people to tell me what went wrong. I tried to let people help me come up with ways I could improve myself to make me less likely to do whatever it was that I did that was so awful. Silence is an awfully destructive weapon, and I just wish I had the mental fortitude right now to not make me feel so defeated.