Explanation
First, I want to set the record straight on my last post. I’m not trying to create a mystery for people to solve, and I’m not trying to declare in flowery prose some gushing emotion to the few people who read the things that I commit to my electronic paper. I’ve felt this way about this woman for quite some time, but because of the unlikelihood of ever actually having a relationship with this woman (I don’t think she likes me that much), I pushed the fledgling feelings to the back of my mind and tried to pretend that they didn’t exist. My last post was simply a revelation to myself that in fact, the feelings are real and that I can’t simply deny them.
None of that makes a relationship with this woman any more possible, because the reasons which prevented such a relationship still exist and aren’t likely to go away. I even feel guilty suggesting that those barriers should go away, because that would change who she is, and the life she’s chosen for herself which quite likely makes her happy. Instead of simply denying that they exist, I thought that I might be able to admit to myself that they exist and recognize them as what they are.
While I like to think of myself as an intense person who can be driven by his passions at times, I’d rather not be driven by passions which are ultimately destructive. I’m hoping that acknowledging my feelings will make them go away.
The last thing I want is to indulge myself in wallowing in the type of unrequited love that spawns legions of notebooks of revolting poetry from adolescents. It’s not the type of person I like to think that I am, and it isn’t the type of person that I think I should be.
Revealing who this mystery woman is will only likely make things more complicated. Since nothing good can come of the feelings that I have come to recognize in myself, I’d like to at least do what I can to minimize the negative consequences by working through my emotions in a way that will make them diminish as quickly as possible.
Unhealthy attachments for the unattainable seem to be my bane. I now only have to figure out whether I am attracted to a woman because she is unattainable (indicating some psychological issue I should address), or whether I view a woman as unattainable because I am attracted to her (indicating that my attraction to a woman elevates her in my mind to mythic proportions). I’m not much in the mood to think about such things now, because I have weightier matters to deal with which press a bit more firmly on my consciousness. See next post.
None of that makes a relationship with this woman any more possible, because the reasons which prevented such a relationship still exist and aren’t likely to go away. I even feel guilty suggesting that those barriers should go away, because that would change who she is, and the life she’s chosen for herself which quite likely makes her happy. Instead of simply denying that they exist, I thought that I might be able to admit to myself that they exist and recognize them as what they are.
While I like to think of myself as an intense person who can be driven by his passions at times, I’d rather not be driven by passions which are ultimately destructive. I’m hoping that acknowledging my feelings will make them go away.
The last thing I want is to indulge myself in wallowing in the type of unrequited love that spawns legions of notebooks of revolting poetry from adolescents. It’s not the type of person I like to think that I am, and it isn’t the type of person that I think I should be.
Revealing who this mystery woman is will only likely make things more complicated. Since nothing good can come of the feelings that I have come to recognize in myself, I’d like to at least do what I can to minimize the negative consequences by working through my emotions in a way that will make them diminish as quickly as possible.
Unhealthy attachments for the unattainable seem to be my bane. I now only have to figure out whether I am attracted to a woman because she is unattainable (indicating some psychological issue I should address), or whether I view a woman as unattainable because I am attracted to her (indicating that my attraction to a woman elevates her in my mind to mythic proportions). I’m not much in the mood to think about such things now, because I have weightier matters to deal with which press a bit more firmly on my consciousness. See next post.
posted by The Academian | 12:58 PM
7 Comments:
It's Shab isn't it.
You hit the nail on the head, MS. It's all of that constant hacking and coughing. I just can't get enough of it. Rawr!
This is getting ridiculous. I'm not being lame. I can read well enough between the lines to catch some things. What is going on now is exactly what I did not want going on in the first place. My attempt to share something about myself and the things through which I am currently going, without creating awkwardness or punctured egos, has failed miserably. I never should have brought it up because now I have to make sure to do what I hoped not to have to do at all: puncture egos.
It isn't any of you. I have various emotional responses to my various friends, and while I care for each of you in differing ways, none of you are the woman about whom I recently admitted my feelings to myself. It is someone else, okay?
I see her every once in a while, and her dog really likes me.
I wouldn't worry so much about punctured egos, so much as general insults. Whatever gave you the impression that any of us were so full of ourselves that we'd expect every guy we come across to automatically fall in love with us?
And if you're just trying to admit your feelings to yourself, try just saying it aloud when you're alone in your apartment instead of on your blog. You could save yourself a lot of trouble.
Fair enough. If I've offended anyone, I'm sorry. I did not intend to cause anyone any hurt (quite the opposite, in fact). You're right that there probably isn't any reason for me to tell any of you some of these things. It's just that I say everything to myself, alone in my apartment. It just felt good for a change to tell people, instead of my dining room table, things that were on my mind. I'll try be a little less open from now on and filter what I say a bit more carefully. Deal?
I think you misread your "openness."
I think you've also confused openness with directness. It's entirely rational for us to think that we might be the object of your so called devotion--after all, we're your friends and we have contact with you.
Directness is a necessary part of communication--when someone asks you a question point blank, and you don't respond with a "yes" or a "no", the person is left to her own devices to sort out your response.
Responding directly to a question a)doesn't allow for any punctured egos, and b)saves everyone the headache that comes along with miscommunication.
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